Coming out from hiding....

My hiding was driven by shame... no surprises. I've spent too many years, now, hiding my essence under a blanket of fear and pain. I've known I have beauty to share.. and started this blog - this first step toward my someday book - in an attempt to put cracks in those dungeon walls.

The cracks have expanded into fissures of light and I'm finding myself ready to journey back out into community again.

There was a time when I breathed community - koininia - as my life blood. A time when I was connected to the Body of Christ and felt both seen and known in that context. I participated in the giving and receiving of encouragement, admonition, discipleship and in corporate worship. I studied God's word and prayed in agreement. I knew I "belonged" with my brothers and sisters and felt confident that my gifts were being used.

But I took a turn... I stepped out from that protective place into what I thought was a greater adventure in "one-flesh" community with a lover, husband, friend who shared my faith and more... I "submitted" and surrendered to his spiritual leadership and began to crave his approval and affection more than anything. I cast my pearls before swine... and the ways he used God's name to abuse and control and suppress me ... have forever left a scar on the faith I used to so freely share with my world.

I have since escaped... but have nursed wounds in hiding for a long, long time... And I came away distrusting anyone who used God's name... I still knew and loved my Savior. But I couldn't risk exposing that part of me any longer. So I've walked with Christ alone... trying to silence the echo of my ex-husband's voice telling me "all you need is Jesus..." when he really meant, "all you need is me..."

I do need Jesus.. and I need community, again... I believe we find ourselves and see ourselves more clearly in the reflection of intimate relationship. It is a risky place, but one we are lost without. I hearken, again, to the words of C.S. Lewis...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything,
and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact,
you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;
avoid all entanglements;
lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

And so I venture out... least I die in my dungeon alone. Walk with me?