My smile is locked away.. buried under "shoulds" and "musts" and the ticking clock of to do's... I flit in and out of my children's sphere - long enough to bark an order - "Clean off that table," "Finish your homework," "Pick up those dirty clothes," "Get in the shower," "Get out of the shower you're wasting water."
Where is the mom who longs to play with her children.... ? Who knows they hunger for her laughter, they crave her hugs like golden honey dripping off of fresh toast... is it possible to have too much?
But instead... I hide... I can't face the things undone... I can't look at their lanquishing hearts... I hide in my room, on my laptop, in a book, in a movie... in a chat room... on the phone... I hide from them the very thing I am trying to discover myself... I hide my presence. I hide the gift of myself - wounded, flawed, bleeding, imperfect...
Where is the courage to be broken in front of them. They need to see it... they need to know that mistakes are not tragedies.... that messes do not matter.... that life is not about "shoulds" and "musts" and the ticking clock of to do's... At least I wish it weren't.....
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