I'm hiding...

My smile is locked away.. buried under "shoulds" and "musts" and the ticking clock of to do's... I flit in and out of my children's sphere - long enough to bark an order - "Clean off that table," "Finish your homework," "Pick up those dirty clothes," "Get in the shower," "Get out of the shower you're wasting water."

Where is the mom who longs to play with her children.... ? Who knows they hunger for her laughter, they crave her hugs like golden honey dripping off of fresh toast... is it possible to have too much?

But instead... I hide... I can't face the things undone... I can't look at their lanquishing hearts... I hide in my room, on my laptop, in a book, in a movie... in a chat room... on the phone... I hide from them the very thing I am trying to discover myself... I hide my presence. I hide the gift of myself - wounded, flawed, bleeding, imperfect...

Where is the courage to be broken in front of them. They need to see it... they need to know that mistakes are not tragedies.... that messes do not matter.... that life is not about "shoulds" and "musts" and the ticking clock of to do's... At least I wish it weren't.....

What is Beauty?

I wrote a poem some time ago... actually after my first divorce.. It is a poem about my "true" self... my worth.. my purpose on this earth... It was written as a psalm of praise to my Adonai... and also, in a way, as a vision statement of who I wanted to be... what I wanted to be... once all of the broken pieces of my heart were some day mended...

There is a line in the poem that says.. "Beauty reflected in the smiling eyes of my Savior..."

I wrote that because I recognized, even then, that I measured my beauty by what I saw in the eyes of the men who looked at me... that I needed to be "wanted" by a man to feel... I don't know what .... full? complete? worthwhile? beautiful? There is both truth and danger in that almost universal feeling among women...

The danger is obvious.... but the truth is that beauty, by definition, is something appreciated by another... whether it is the beauty of the rugged looming mountains, delicate swaying wild flowers, the vast violent ocean... or the soft curves of a woman's body or face.... Is anything beautiful until it is gazed upon?

Then, a short while ago, my Ransomed Heart Daily Readings by John Elderedge offered me this to ponder....:

For a woman to unveil her beauty means she is offering her heart.

Not primarily her works or her usefulness (think Martha in the kitchen). Offering her presence. At family gatherings my mother hid in the kitchen. She cooked and baked and prepared and served and cleaned and for the life of us, we couldn't get her out of there. We wanted her to share her life with us, her thoughts, her ideas, not just her effort. She wouldn't come. And we were less because of it.

The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come unguarded, undistracted, and be fully present and fully engaged with the one whom we are with. Have you noticed in reading the Gospels that people enjoyed being around Jesus? They wanted to be near him – to share a meal, take a walk, have a lingering conversation. It was the gift of his presence. When you were with him, you felt he was offering you his heart. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus. And we invite others to do the same.

And I saw, again, a new facet to what I offer... what I am called to as a woman.. as a Christian.. as a human... Yet, once again... beauty is something I OFFER... to some one else... it is not for me to keep to myself..

So … what about you... What catches your eye...? What stirs admiration when you see it on the horizon or see it walk in a room.... ? What do you think is beautiful?

And... how important to a relationship is it, do you think, that the man thinks his partner beautiful? That he catch his breath when she walks in the room... or shares of her heart...

I await your answers ...

Hugs,

-Becca