The stories we tell ourselves...

I saw this meme on Facebook the other day:

and I had two instantaneous and opposite reactions.

The first was... "You can say THAT again!" I totally related to the "didn't go as planned" part.  But, as I moved my mouse to click on "Share," I heard another voice say, "No!  No... It's NOT OK!" ... and I withdrew my urge to post the sentiment on my wall.  I turned away from what I could only claim as a half truth, and I sadly scrolled along.... I did not recognize the significance of that internal dissonance.... Maybe because I've gotten so good at distracting myself at moments like that with any number of more urgent matters.

But the message didn't really go away... and after weeks of some shifty, clouded, unspecified grumpiness.... the kind that simmers at the surface while something bigger is boiling underneath... I took the time to confront my inner strife and I discovered something.  I looked cold in the face of the reality that I DON'T think my life is OK.

       .... I don't think it's OK that I'm on my third marriage with a heart scarred by abuse, abandonment and addiction.
       ....I don't think it's OK that even this marriage, though safe and comfortable, has no passion and little unity.
       .... I don't think it's OK that I've wandered through various careers and at 46 I have yet to figure out what I want to be when I grown up.
     .... I don't think it's OK that I have, at best, fragile, tentative relationships with my children ...
     ....  I don't think it's OK that NONE of this is how it was supposed to turn out....

As I faced these truths another thought arose... "How it was supposed to turn out ... according to what script?"  What is the story I have been telling myself all of these years by which I am apparently measuring the "rightness" of my reality?  Where did that story come from?

There is this picture in my head of what "was supposed to be".... a two parent home with a decades long marriage at the hub and healthy, confident, happy children in well adjusted and deeply bonded orbit around them.... a meaningful ministry.... esteem ... not wealth, per se, but financial stability... clarity... peace.... happily ever after??

The story comes partly from fairy tales, and partly from dear friends whose lives honestly look an awful lot like that.  Friends with decades long marriages... healthy, confident kids.... meaningful ministries.... They, along with Cinderella fairy tales from long, long ago, have become a measuring stick in my mind ... and I don't measure up.   Despite the battles I fought and won, the lives I've influenced, the obstacles I've climbed over and the successes I do enjoy, a dissatisfaction lingers.  No... more than dissatisfaction... it's regret... or grief... or .. dare I say?.... envy?!   But it's all based on this story of "supposed to be..."  This fantasy life I have engraved in my subconscious that silently screams... "This is NOT OK!!"

So... this ugliness in my heart is now exposed, and as I stare at it I come to understand that this story of how my life was "supposed to be" has robbed me of the ability to take joy in what it IS.  It has kept me locked in a state of "would haves" and "should haves" and "if only's" and those messages have formed bars of shame around my soul.

I need to be free from this prison... from this false script of someone else's life, not mine.

Then God whispers....

"... you are My handiwork.... created in Christ Jesus to do good works.... which I have prepared in advance for you to walk in.... "

"... you are My handiwork.... created in Christ Jesus to do good works.... which I have prepared in advance for you ... "

"... you are My handiwork.... created in Christ Jesus to do good works.... which I have prepared in advance for you .... "

"... you are My handiwork.... created in Christ Jesus to do good works.... which I have prepared in advance for you .... "

"... you are My handiwork.... created in Christ Jesus to do good works.... which I have prepared in advance for you .... "

"... you are My handiwork.... created in Christ Jesus to do good works.... which I have prepared in advance for you .... "

Prepared in advance.... Prepared in advance??

And it hits me..... God has a story for my life... a script He lovingly and painstakingly wrote... and I'm living it.  It is MY story... because I am HIS handiwork.... and I measure up perfectly to the story He had planned for me.  My husband... my kids.... my career.... my body.... all of it.  Prepared in advance.... beautifully woven.... Messily mighty.

So I'm here with you to declare that I am throwing out the make believe story in my mind that diminishes the blemished beauty of what IS.  That I am freeing myself from the prison of "if only's" and celebrating the ways God is using my trauma and brokenness to touch others.

I'm here to challenge you to look at the "supposed to be" stories you've been telling yourself as well.  and to realize our stories are also far from over...

... and they didn't go as WE planned...

..... But that's OK.....